"More porn please!"

It's not a phrase you expect to hear too often, particularly not at the end of a training course at work and particularly not uttered by a woman. But I am beginning to learn that is the world of publishing where anything, it seems, is possible.


Yesterday afternoon, the sales and marketing team were invited to attend a course on 'Viral Marketing.' It was not something I was particularly looking forward to but maybe that sort of bitterness comes from years of attending teaching courses covering thrilling topics such as 'differentiation', 'assessment' and my personal favourite 'PANDA analysis' (don't ask!)


The catering team had obviously preempted our Monday afternoon weariness as we were immediately treated to a fine selection of drinks and fancy biscuits (not a bourbon in sight.) They needn't have bothered really because the hour that followed just involved sitting back and watching a selection of quirky videos and adverts.


I should really point out here what 'viral marketing' means in case you were thinking that I had signed up for an advanced first aid course. The web gives various definitions such as

• any marketing technique that induces Web sites or users to pass on a marketing message to other sites or users, creating a potentially exponential growth in the message's visibility and effect.


• marketing phenomenon that facilitates and encourages people to pass along a marketing message.


• A campaign that uses word-of-mouth or “tell a friend” mechanisms.

Luckily for the men in the room, a lot of the most successful forms of viral marketing are based on the theory that sex sells. We were shown a series of clever video clips that were created as a result of popular adverts and have been viewed over the internet hundreds of thousands of times.


(If you really have got a lot of time on your hands this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNnkIww7Gwk is an example of viral marketing based on this popular Lynx advert http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcQ3GL_QTus. Maybe not one for the workplace, but hey, I watched these at work!)


So basically our challenge is to come up with quirky ways of subtly advertising our products using this new phenomena. Call me a cynic but I'm having trouble coming up with a way of making an A-level Maths textbook appear sexy to my Middle Eastern customers!

Anyway, enough smut! The exciting news last week was that I got to go to the famous River Cafe recently voted 4th best restaurant in Britain (http://www.rivercafe.co.uk/). It was unbelievable (as were the prices) but I along with everyone else there had no intention of parting with our own money. My boss and I were taking a good customer out for lunch and we had prime seats inside by the open patio doors. The whole atmosphere was both sophisticated yet relaxed and I milked it by having 2 courses; carpaccio as a starter (or should I say antipasti) and salmon as my 'secondi piatti'. It was certainly the best italian food I have ever tasted. I also managed to polish off half a bottle of wine which made for some exaggerated business talk by yours truly along the lines of "So I see from your sales figures that the country takes a vested interest in science at international baccaleaureat level... blah blah blah." I had to re-enter my computer password 3 times when I got back to my desk. I'm not proud of myself (but it is quite funny you must admit!)

Last week was my most hectic at work yet as I was at the London Book Fair with the sales team at Earls Court. Now this may sound geeky but it wasn't as bad as you may think. The only thing I can compare it to is a 3 day long parents' evening! You arrange to meet customers from all over the world in half hour slots throughout the day, some show up, some don't, some overrun, some you haven't got much to say to, some moan, some are complimentary.... see what I mean? It was a great experience for me and it was nice to put faces to names. I received invites to a whole host of cool places for example Egypt, Singapore, UAE, the Caribbean and Africa. I hope to be taking these people up on their offers pretty soon. I need another holiday!

Highlights included being interrupted and surrounded mid-meeting by a poorly organised book signing by the famous Brazilian Paulo Coelho (I had never heard of him until I joined Collins!) We suddenly found ourselves in the midst of champagne-swilling, book-hugging fans keen to get their books signed and not caring who they inconvenienced on the way. The lifesize Shrek didn't go down too well in an arena full of adults and no children and apparently David 'The Hoff' Hasselhoff was around but unfortunately I didn't spot him. Gutted.

Run Rhodri, Run!

I set myself a challenge once. I declared, inwardly to myself, that I would run a Marathon by the time I was 30. Now the clock is ticking and I didn't manage to get a place in this years London Marathon which is incidentally tomorrow.

So I feel today is the time to announce that I have now set myself up with a great opportunity to meet my challenge.

I've recently signed up for the 11th Annual Cologne Marathon which will take place on the streets of Cologne on Sunday 7th October 2007. I have sometime to prepare.

I think I've made a pretty good choice. Cologne is pretty flat. I know this because the flatness combined with the very minimal snow this year have prevented me using one of the useful phrases I have in my German phrase book. I don't have the German to hand but the phrase is "That's a very nice ski suit" I believe it is in the 'chatting Germans up on the piste' section of the book which comes just after 'introducing yourself' and before 'getting around' (that's getting around in the travel sense rather than getting around in the following on from the chatting up Germans on the piste sense)

I fairness I need this marathon. Living in hotels with hot buffet breakfast and eating out every night often in bars which can, for the weak, also lead to drinking is leading me to not look like a man on his way to 30 but look like one who has comfortably passed it by.

So over the next few months I will track my own progress towards this event which I hope to be able to finish in 4 hours 30 Min's. As a starter I went running this morning for 45 Min's. I can confirm that I didn't even achieve 1/4 of the marathon distance and it made me tired. Phase 2 of the training comes this evening. I'm meeting some friends in London for drinks. Oh dear. I see this whole process will be a struggle.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles but not the film version

Today is Friday the 13th. Maybe not a good day to do anything if you are suspicious. I’m not and that’s a bonus as today I have lots to accomplish.

Today has been a travelling extravaganza for me. In the space of what will probably best case amount to 18 hours the following will take place. I will take 3 taxis, 2 trains, 1 plane, 2 buses and drive 2 cars in a journey that will get me from Cologne to Wallington, via Stuttgart and Welling. and cost in the region of 500 Euros! So if you think your Friday is a bit long spare a thought for me. I got out bed at 6am German time for essentially 18 hours of travelling with some work thrown in. I expect no sympathy. I chose this job out of my grand choice of one option so I can only moan to myself.

So how did it go? It started quite well with the taxi to the station and Starbucks for breakfast. The first train was good and then trouble. German efficiency had me believe that if I was 2 seconds late for my connecting train I would be in trouble. Wrong! I was there but 2 mins before the second train was due to arrive it suddenly became 15 mins late. 10 mins later and it was 30 mins late. After the 30 mins had elapsed it was announced that it was cancelled. Thankfully someone on the platform told me in English that I had to go to a different platform to get the train. I arrived in the office 1 hour and 15 mins after my planned time and a full 20 mins late for my meeting. Oh Well

The rest of the day went relatively without a hitch until I arrived at my parents house to return my Dad's car and collect my own. Full luggage swap over and I was on my way. Only for it to overheat after 10 mins and force me back home. I put my luggage back in my Dad's car and set off with that for another week. Good luck with the Fiesta Dad!

Wo ist der besprechungsraum?

This week I have had my first official German lesson. I say official as my colleagues have been teaching me German phrases over the past 2 months so of which are useful but most of which are absolutely useless.

There were a number of comments in the office around the opinion that I didn’t need German lessons I would be better off with a German girlfriend but I pointed out numerous times that that doesn’t fit in well with my plan to keep my English girlfriend and therefore attending language school was the only option.

It was an interesting lesson. We started from scratch as I was pretty confident that I was virtually the lowest level of beginner that you could find despite my ability to say “Where is the meeting room” I don’t, or rather didn’t, know how to greet people correctly and ask how they were.

Anyway, what did I learn? Well I set about it with great efficiency. The prospect of 2 hours of teaching coming at the end of an 11 hour day was never filling me with joy so I decided to just write down and repeat everything that I was told and then I could revise the information at a later date say at a time when I’m twiddling my thumbs in an airport waiting for a delayed plane. The most memorable part of the lesson was our discussion around how to ask someone their name. To do this justice I need one of those double S things that looks like a B. However this is and English keyboard and doesn’t have one so we will make do with ss. "Wie Heisst du?" And "Wie heissen Sie?" Now I was advised to use "Wie heissen Sie?" as it is more formal. I was told that "Wie heist du?" Should only be used when talking to your friends. I asked why I would need to ask my friend’s names as if they were my friends I would already know their names.

The teacher looked confused and concerned. I realised that this discussion was perhaps not the best use of 20 euros an hour and suggested we move on.

Best thing I've learnt so far is the word warum.

Musings of a commuter

Dear Fellow Commuters,

I thought I'd write to let you know how honoured I feel to spend 3 hours of every working day with you. I missed you over the Easter weekend.

I particularly missed the overly-amorous couple with whom I have the joy of sharing the same carriage from Wallington. It makes my mornings seeing you make those silly little faces to each other and when you, dear lady, wave to your partner from the train as he climbs the stairs at Clapham Junction so that by the time he reaches the top you are bent over with your head turned 90 degrees by your knees in order to get those vital few seconds extra in sight of your beloved. Maybe it is because I am not the least bit jealous that you get to spend the week with your partner that I find your mannerisms so touching and not at all vomit-inducing.

To you, the man who sat down next to me this morning then promptly elbowed me in the jaw whilst trying to get your phone out of your pocket...your affection moves me. I do so hate it when people say sorry for things like that so I'm glad you didn't. There is no need for all this politeness.

I feel particularly special when I have to squeeze in between two people who have no concept of personal space and continue reading their broadsheets at full spread. It is equally pleasant at the end of the day when deodorant has lost its power and a fragrant aroma of sweaty grime fills the nostrils. Talking of nostrils, it is so kind of those people who regularly like to conduct a full and thorough search of their nostrils in front of a packed carriage. It is like getting free tickets to the theatre - glorious!

But there is nothing more pleasing than when someone chooses to sit next to me with a take away pizza oozing grease 6 inches from my 'professional dry clean only' coat and then proceeds to eat it with accompanying garlic butter dip. How flattered I feel to be almost sharing your gourmet meal with you.

My Granny used to watch the packed rush hour trains chugging by her house which overlooked the District line route and she would sigh enviously, "lucky people". Well Granny, you're so right. How lucky I feel to now be one of those commuters!

So thank you my friends and though we will never speak, here's to many more years of happy commuting.

Best wishes,

Anna (Carriage 2, the girl with the ipod, the brown coat and the Bill Bryson book)