Hash browns and baked beans

In the travel accommodation sense, I'm not really used to luxury. 17-bed dorms and motorhomes in -12 deg C are not really the Ritz. They are interesting in their own special way but it's not silver service, complimentary shoe shine, a concierge and a 7pm turn down with Belgian chocolates. But I'm a business traveller now and I don't make my hotel choices and more importantly, I don't pay the bill.

It's my third week in Cologne and I'm currently in my third different hotel. Week one saw 3 nights in the Intercontinental. Week 2 saw 3 nights in the Crowne Plaza and this week sees 4 nights in the Marriott.

So how do I compare 3, what I deem judging by the price, high class hotels?

I could tell you about the gymnasiums. 'Hot as a sauna and free of charge' in the Crowne Plaza. 'Free of charge and not too hot' in the Marriott. 'Too expensive for me to even set foot inside the door but it looked nice in the photos' at the Intercontinental.

We could talk shoe shine facilities. Leave your shoes outside the door at the Intercontinental and someone (I'm guessing a type of shoe cleaning fairy) cleans them. In the Marriott you get to stick your foot under the rotating brush by the lift. In the Crowne Plaza you have a cloth that you have to wipe over your shoes yourself. (I didn't bother.)

Pillows would be a good reference point. In the Intercontinetal I got 4 of them but they were almost as big as sofa cushions. In the Crowne Plaza I had 4 but spread across 2 beds. Here in the Marriott I have 7. I have no idea what to do with them so I just throw 5 of them on the floor when I go to bed and the next day when I come home from work they are immaculately re-positioned ready for me to throw on the floor again.

I've found the only true way to rate a hotel. They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I have no idea who 'they' are but when anything wise is quoted, 'they' are often credited for it. Such as "They say you should never use your hand as a hammer" That's good advice because it can hurt so they must have some sense to them. So if 'they' say it is important then I'm listening.

To be honest they are all pretty much the same. Fruit (not that I have anything to do with that), cereal, bread, pastries, cheese, cold meats (including rare roast beef in the Marriott - It's nice but not really a breakfast thing) yogurt, coffee, hundreds of varieties of tea, hard boiled eggs, soft boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, bacon and sausages. I feel I need to clarify something to everyone before I continue. This isn't a list of what I eat every morning, it's just a list of what is available. Ok? The winner by far in the breakfast stakes is the Crowne Plaza and the reasons are...hash browns and baked beans. The others don't have them. In fairness the Crowne Plaza is a hotel full of UK/US citizens in Cologne on business and I guess it's just catering to the desires of its guests. I love it!

The reason I've been in 3 different hotels is because the normal hotel of the company's choice has been full on occasions. Fortunately for me (the hash brown and baked beans addict) the normal hotel is the Crowne Plaza. Looks like the shoes will be staying dirty for a while!

Unemployment over!

Call off the search because.... I HAVE A JOB!!!

I have just accepted a role within the international section of Collins the publishers. Obviously if I were wearing a suit I would be celebrating just like this array of cheering business people. Wouldn't you just love to work for one of these companies?

I knew I would like to work for Collins when I was interviewed by two guys in jeans and converse boots (I felt slightly overdressed in my suit and heels) who said that they loved the fact that I had been a teacher and had travelled the world. At last, someone who values what I've done!

I will be working for a team that exports educational books to countries in Africa, Europe and South America to name but a few. There may also be the opportunity to travel to attend teaching conferences and meet with headteachers in these countries.

I don't start until 12th March which is a shame but they need to sort me out a desk, company mobile and laptop! In the meantime, they have invited me to lunch to meet the rest of the team so the big decision now is...what to wear? Suit or jeans and converse boots?

The joy of interviews

Q:"Did you find us ok?"
A:"Well of course I flipping well did, I'm here aren't I? Belive it or not I am capable of reading a map and navigating myself to a simple street address perfectly well!"

A classic interview starting question in which the interviewer aims to fill the awkward silence between meeting the interviewee at reception and escorting them to the designated meeting room. Sadly though, not a classic response but the most appropriate in my view. Instead I smile politely and say that as I only came from Wallington it didn't take me long and I found it without any problems, thank you very much.

Some interviews I have attended recently have required me to sit a verbal and numerical reasoning test. I love them though I always have had a kind of perverse enjoyment of sitting tests for some reason. Some of my favourite questions have been...

1. What do you admire most:
a) the flight of a bird;
b) the speed and grace of a cheetah;
c) the strength of a lion?

(I chose the flight of the bird by the way because despite being a mere creature in comparison with the other two, the bird possesses an amazing skill that neither of the others have. I clearly read too much into this question as I then started to believe that the cheetah represented a pretty but useless secretary who sits filing her nails and the lion represented an overweight overbearing city banker who uses fear and intimidation to get his own way. Anyway, enough animal talk.)

2. Find 50% of £30.

3. Correct the following spelling mistakes:
a) recieve
b) goverment
c)accomodation

4. What is the difference between these two codes:
a) 5436ghy;
b) 5346ghy?

5. Choose the correct answer.
Fox is to den as dog is to _____:
a) pen;
b) stable;
c) kennel;
d) nest.

You would think that I have been applying for positions for school leavers but I kid ye not. These are the sorts of questions that you have to answer in order to obtain a position in major London companies.

So once you've made it through the equivalent of the 11 plus, you have the interview itself. Every good interview should start with "Can you briefly bring us up to date with your current situation?" I have learnt to start from when I graduated and work forwards. It's less shocking than starting from my present situation and working backwards. Let me demonstrate: "Well let's see. I've been looking for a job for 9 weeks now, I've moved back home so that my mum can still do my laundry and I've been turned down from 16k a year admin jobs (because teaching didn't involve any admin of course.) Oh Christmas was great thanks and did I mention that I've been bumming around the world for 10 months before that?" See what I mean?

Then you get onto the real questions. Here are a selection of my favourite ones:

1. Describe a time when you failed to meet a deadline? What were the implications?

2. Please describe a situation in which you made a poor decision. In hindsight, why do you feel this decision was not a good one?
Hint: Never answer these two questions too quickly like you have a whole list of times up your sleeve.

3. If I spoke to your old boss, what would they say about you?
(She'd probably say that I missed deadlines and made poor decisions.)

4. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
That old chestnut! Hint: Married with children is not what they want to hear.

Finally the interrogation is over but you still have that awkward time while the interviewer shows you back to reception. What do you talk about? Suggestions please as I am yet to get beyond "Hmm, nice building." Lame.

Brain-based language congestion

I'm not a master of languages. I can just about communicate coherently in my own language and others have always been lost on me. So being in Germany is pretty tough for me. I studied German for a year at school and also a year at university. The sum total of my German knowledge is that if someone asks my age I can tell them I am 13, 14, 19 or 20 but they are obviously all incorrect. If they ask me about brothers or sisters I can tell them I have one brother (true) but his age can only be 15, 16, 21 or 22. I'm not sure why anyone would need to know my brother's age but I'm preparing for all eventualities. All pretty useless stuff.

Now the problems are coming in the sense that I know a few words in a few languages. Words like "please", "thanks", "hello", "goodbye", "does that include breakfast?", various swear words, "where is the bathroom", "can I have a beer please" (possibly the most important thing to learn in any language) and other such useful things.

When I try to execute any of these words in German I tend to end up with a random combination of French, Spanish, Portugese, Japanese and in the end just a lot of loud English.

What I need to do is to sort my small collection of words into categories and file away the currently unrequired languages until say for instance I am in Spain and I need to know if a hotel room comes with breakfast included. I need to put it into sections and just have access to the very, very few words I know in German so at least I can use them rather than staring blankly while I ponder the different options in my head for "thanks".

The Stansted social scene

If you were worried about me not having any friends while I am travelling, fear not. Stansted airport is a thriving social venue at all hours of the day.

I've been to Stansted 5 times in the last 2 weeks. In these visits I've seen people I know (used to work with) on 4 of the visits. That's an 80% hit rate. Included in this is the fact that in 2 weeks in Cologne I have seen 2 people I know (used to work with) either in the hotel or in a bar. Not miraculous considering that I work in the Automotive industry and everyone I've seen also does. But relate it to the rest of the year and I'm going to be busy....

Let's for demonstration purposes say I have to make around 80 further visits to Stansted this year. Terrifying thought for me and my carbon footprint but it means that at the current hit rate I still have 64 more people I know to see at the airport. Add to that 40 more weeks in Cologne at the rate of 1 person per week and I have a total of 104 people to see.

How will I remember everyone's name?

Festival Time

Thursday was the start of a festival in Cologne. I have no idea what festival as I speak no German but a festival nonetheless. This festival kicks off at elf:elf (11:11am) on Thursday when it is women's day. This means that the women can do whatever they like and on Thursday that involves cutting the ties of the men in the office.

Fortunately I had been warned about this and had accessorised myself with a 7 euro tie from C&A. I didn't know C&A still existed. I, like everyone else in the office wearing a tie, walked around for the rest of the day with half a tie. There is something a little scary about a German woman who you don't know walking towards you with a pair of scissors.

Over festival weekend my understanding is that the Cologners can essentially get up to whatever they like, with whoever they like and then on Monday or Tuesday they burn a clown (I don't think it is a real clown), everyone's sins are unanimously forgiven and they all return back to their original partners and live life as if nothing has happened. Until next year at least. All sounds a little bit odd. They also dress up and go drinking in the city. You look out of place if you don't dress up. I didn't dress up but I did go out and drink some beer in honour of the festival. It was a crazy week.

I returned home late Friday night grateful to be back and even more grateful that the festival continues through to Monday and I get to work from home for the day!!

What's your favourite vegetable?

Rhod's first week away was an experience. If you're desperate to regain your youth, may I suggest a prolonged stay at your parents' house on your own. I feel about 15 again. Remember the time when you would get home from school and your parents would ask eagerly about your day and all you could manage in response was an unrecognisable "Urfygh! Is'alright!" whilst wiping your greasy hair off your spotty face? Well I am now reliving my youth (though thankfully without the greasy hair and spots) and shamefully find myself grunting in response to their questions about my day's job hunting. I am dreadful I know and I do feel bad but I can't stop myself.

The conversation at the dinner table is usually of a similar vein but the lack of background music or Emmerdale can lead to awkward silences and on one such occasion this week my Mum, in all seriousness, felt the urge to break it with this gem of a question: "What's your favourite vegetable?" It was such a refreshing change of question that instead of laughing openly I actually gave it some serious thought whilst initially shortlisting three possible contenders; broccoli, mushrooms and carrots. I look forward to hearing what other questions she has up her sleeves. Rhod and I came up with "If you were a beaver, which river would you dam?" or "If you were a Beatles tribute band, which song would you open with?"

And for those of you who are interested, after some serious thought, I've decided that my favourite vegetable is...the mushroom.

Off to Germania

So I've secured a new job. It's been a frustrating process of over-enthusiastic recruitment consultants delivering somewhere between absolutely nothing (despite a lot of promises), the same job I had before, or, on very rare occasions, a job that might be good.

So after talking to lots of recruitment consultants I got a job without going through an agency and I'm pleased about it.

Monday the 12th saw me head in to the London office to sign a contract and pick up my laptop and mobile phone. Now the mobile phone on first sight looks like it might be a little bit cleverer than me. It communicates with the laptop and the laptop communicates with the phone. I'm not sure where or even if I fit in to this communication sequence. All I know is that sometimes the phone beeps, sometimes the laptop beeps, sometimes they both beep and sometimes, because they both work on Windows, they both crash putting me back in charge of my own communication.

Tuesday morning saw me leave for my first working day in Cologne. Now 4:30 in the morning is not a time I have historically enjoyed unless I was going to see sunrise over one of the great sights of the world. Stansted airport is not one of the great sights of the world. The morning started badly really. My new laptop rolled off the bed on to the floor. Luckily it was contained within its bag so no harm done. My emotional fairwell with Anna was slightly ruined by me having a nose bleed. Bit of a worry primarily because I am wearing my best (only) suit and a brand new shirt and tie combo. I manage to stem the flow and set off for the airport with kitchen roll up one nostril.

I arrived in Cologne to find that the phone is not as clever as me. I know I'm in Germany, the phone does not. Unfortunately I don't know how to tell it so I have to call the office and get them to set it up so it can find its way around the world. It gets sorted and beeping, communicating and crashing is restored.

My journey to the hotel from the office involved Cologne rush hour and a taxi driver so irate that the journey was taking longer than he had hoped that he felt the need to tell 2 of his friends at the same time using 2 different mobiles! When he started dialling we were sat in traffic. When they had answered we were on the move again. So he held one phone between his ear and his shoulder by tilting his head, used one hand to hold the other phone on the other side and, fortunately for me, reserved one hand for the irksome task of driving.

I was relieved to arrive at the Intercontinental hotel. Who wouldn't be as it is the nicest, most expensive hotel I've ever stayed in. I was shocked to find that after walking through the front door I had to wait to get to the reception desk as a Porsche Cayenne turbo was driving through the lobby. He appeared to be looking for the way out and after some nudging of the concierge desk he made his way through the double glass doors out to the more normal home of motor vehicles, the street. I was then able to check-in.

Job (and head) hunting

5 weeks ensued of creating embellished CVs, writing elaborate cover letters, applying for jobs, speaking to retarded recruitment consultants who promise to call and never do, having telephone interviews, going for 2nd interviews, failing interviews, starting the whole process again... You get the idea. Thoroughly depressing stuff but we always had each other to moan to and one of us would usually then suggest a therapeutic work-evasive activity (like eating or compiling photo montages.)

Alas, that time has come to an end. Rhod is now the proud owner of...a job! However, there is one hitch. The job sees him working in Germany Monday to Friday and only returning home at weekends. I am losing the friend with whom I spent the last 10 months 24/7 (apart from toilet breaks) and never ran out of things to talk about! It is a fantastic opportunity though. Rhod has secured a Project Managament Consultant job so has successfully moved away from the clutches of Ford. The company are highly efficient; within 45 minutes of him accepting the job he had emails from future work colleagues expressing how pleased they were, his flights to and from Cologne for next week had been booked and his luxury hotel (complete with Holmes Place fitness club and 20m pool) was all sorted. Rhod signs his contract in London tomorrow (Monday) and jets off for his first week of fully expensed work on Tuesday. I however am left alone jobless and living with my mum and dad . That is partly my own fault though.

I was offered a job as a headhunter with a small executive search company in Charing Cross which I began this week. It was to be a trial basis and therefore unpaid. I was thrown in at the deep end without training and I hated every minute of it. I was having to phone up vice presidents of huge firms in the US and ask them if they wanted to change jobs for the one I knew hardly anything about. Needless to say I was unsuccessful and I lasted for 2 days before I quit. Brave, yes. Stupid, most probably.

Because I wish to change careers from teaching, I am finding that I am being rejected from jobs that I think I would succeed in with a bit of training. Most companies ask for experience so I am having to apply for jobs that graduates straight out of university apply for and almost all of them are on a lower salary to what I was earning when I left teaching. But I will persist and find my dream job!