Look, I don't have a laptop

Here's the routine.
Me "Hi Cologne please" (Hand over passport)
Lady at counter "Do you have any luggage to check?"
Me "Yes just one bag" (because if I had any more you dirty low cost airline thieves would rob me just to take a second bag)
Lady "Did you pack the bag yourself?"
Me (resisting the urge to say something along the lines of 'No my illegal immigrant Colombian gardener packed it) "Yes"
Lady "Could anyone have tampered with it since it was packed?"
Me "No"
Lady "Any hand luggage?"
Me "Yes"
Lady "Any liquids or gels in your hand luggage?"
Me "No" ( I love the fact that to get some water I have to pay the heavily inflated price in WHSmith or Boots after security.)
Lady "Gate number (somewhere between 1 and 20 but 14 is a favourite.) Boarding time 7:20 (Yeah right!)
Me "Thanks" (I'm polite.)

On Monday I might speed the event up by saying " Cologne please with one checked bag that I packed myself and no one has tampered with. I also have one piece of hand luggage but I would not be foolish enough to pack any liquids or gels. I also know that I will board somewhere between gates 1 and 20 and I am plenty capable of finding out which one. I also know what time the flight leaves and I am capable of assessing the realistic time of boarding which I can assure you is not 7:20 as the plane hasn't even landed from its previous flight by that time!" I expect she will appreciate my efficiency.

I then set off and join the snaking queue for security. However, I'm only allowed to join the queue after I have assured 2 more people that I don't have any liquids or gels.

Now in order to speed the whole security event up I have developed a system whereby whilst moving through the queue I can arrive at the critical point with coat in one hand (containing all money and keys from pockets) and laptop in the other hand (since it has to be scanned separately) with my bag still on my shoulder. All can swiftly be dropped in the boxes and I'm through the scanner and all being well, grab my stuff.

Unfortunately Mein Laptop ist kaput! so I don't currently have it. This should in theory speed up my pass through security except for the fact that I am quite obviously carrying a laptop bag as is evident by the Dell sign on the front...
Man at Security "Laptop?"
Me "No."
Man "You 'ave to take your laptop out of its bag."
Me "I don't have a laptop."
Quizzical/stern look and the only way I can ease this situation is to open my bag and say
"Look, I have no laptop."

I get my laptop back next week so once again I will be able to progress through security as a normal business traveller and not look like someone who carries a laptop bag just for appearances.