Yeah man!

Greetings from Jamaica!

I'm here on business promoting a dictionary we have tailor-made for the Caribbean market. It's a tough job but someone's got to do it. No honestly, having just fought off a throat virus then moved house last weekend, I must say that I wasn't relishing the idea of flying off for a week in Kingston, Jamaica, staying over the weekend in order to get a cheap flight with the prospect of spending the weekend locked in my hotel room due to the advice of my boss to "not leave the hotel alone!" I know it sounds middle-aged and ungrateful but I was actually looking forward to spending this weekend in our flat!

The check-in process at Heathrow only served to fuel my frustration. 1 hour of filing round an inept queuing system, extended families checking in en masse, a 50 minute delay...woe is me! But saviour came in the form of a 6ft Jamaican girl named Siobhan. She was flustered at being last on the plane delayed at check-in because she had two 40kg suitcases which needed lightening! After convincing her that she wasn't sweating, didn't smell and probably could do without that ninth pair of shoes she had had to leave behind, she took me under her wing and we were instant friends.

Flying with Air Jamaica is an absolute must if you want to immerse yourself in the Jamaican culture as soon as you've left the tarmac. I have never known anything like it. Apparently it's the only airline in the world to offer unlimited free champagne. In spite of this, most people seemed to have bought a bottle of duty free rum and happily whiled away the hours wandering around chatting to anyone and everyone. I have never known a group of people so at ease with each other and this was my first experience of hearing patois.

At first I thought they were speaking a different language. I could pick out the odd word and phrase but the rest just went totally over my head. Siobhan gave me a crash course in it but I am also the proud owner of Popular Jamaican Phrases so I now feel that with the following phrases I can get by:
•If I overindulge on the rum in the presence of customers, I can ask for 'mannish wata' to sober me up. (Unfortunately this would mean consuming soup made with a goat's head...also reputed to increase a man's virility!?!)
• Should I wish to alert the attention of people whose name I don't know, I can simply cry 'Peel head' if the guy is bald or 'belly a front, belly a back' if the person has a rather substantial paunch and backside.
There are also some colourful phrases in the book which I'm not sure I would need on this trip let alone ever! If all else failed I could just reply 'Yeah man' to everything.

I was well looked after by the bookstores who gave a very thorough tour of Kingston whenever we drove anywhere. I was shown sights such as the Society for the Blind, the Canadian Embassy, Courts the furniture shop...all the famous places you read about in the guide books!

I was taken for some great meals but possibly the most surreal came after having driven down a dark road in the pouring rain for 40 minutes with the financial director of one bookstore only to arrive at the Jamaican equivalent of MacDonalds; Island Grill. We then conducted a semi-serious meeting only for me to realise that I was eating a fallic fritter called a 'festival' whilst talking to him about his dictionary order.

Unfortunately it rained every day I was there and always in the evening when I might have wanted to swim (or more realistically just lounge by the pool.) Instead I sought refuge in the hotel gym which was in fact just a tent by the pool which leaked a lot! There was never anyone else in there so I had total control over the air con and TV and could also sing to my heart's content with my iPod.

Overall it was a fantastic experience. I met some great people, ate shed loads of prawns, saw some amazing sights(!)...oh yeah, and hopefully sold some dictionaries.