The joy of interviews

Q:"Did you find us ok?"
A:"Well of course I flipping well did, I'm here aren't I? Belive it or not I am capable of reading a map and navigating myself to a simple street address perfectly well!"

A classic interview starting question in which the interviewer aims to fill the awkward silence between meeting the interviewee at reception and escorting them to the designated meeting room. Sadly though, not a classic response but the most appropriate in my view. Instead I smile politely and say that as I only came from Wallington it didn't take me long and I found it without any problems, thank you very much.

Some interviews I have attended recently have required me to sit a verbal and numerical reasoning test. I love them though I always have had a kind of perverse enjoyment of sitting tests for some reason. Some of my favourite questions have been...

1. What do you admire most:
a) the flight of a bird;
b) the speed and grace of a cheetah;
c) the strength of a lion?

(I chose the flight of the bird by the way because despite being a mere creature in comparison with the other two, the bird possesses an amazing skill that neither of the others have. I clearly read too much into this question as I then started to believe that the cheetah represented a pretty but useless secretary who sits filing her nails and the lion represented an overweight overbearing city banker who uses fear and intimidation to get his own way. Anyway, enough animal talk.)

2. Find 50% of £30.

3. Correct the following spelling mistakes:
a) recieve
b) goverment
c)accomodation

4. What is the difference between these two codes:
a) 5436ghy;
b) 5346ghy?

5. Choose the correct answer.
Fox is to den as dog is to _____:
a) pen;
b) stable;
c) kennel;
d) nest.

You would think that I have been applying for positions for school leavers but I kid ye not. These are the sorts of questions that you have to answer in order to obtain a position in major London companies.

So once you've made it through the equivalent of the 11 plus, you have the interview itself. Every good interview should start with "Can you briefly bring us up to date with your current situation?" I have learnt to start from when I graduated and work forwards. It's less shocking than starting from my present situation and working backwards. Let me demonstrate: "Well let's see. I've been looking for a job for 9 weeks now, I've moved back home so that my mum can still do my laundry and I've been turned down from 16k a year admin jobs (because teaching didn't involve any admin of course.) Oh Christmas was great thanks and did I mention that I've been bumming around the world for 10 months before that?" See what I mean?

Then you get onto the real questions. Here are a selection of my favourite ones:

1. Describe a time when you failed to meet a deadline? What were the implications?

2. Please describe a situation in which you made a poor decision. In hindsight, why do you feel this decision was not a good one?
Hint: Never answer these two questions too quickly like you have a whole list of times up your sleeve.

3. If I spoke to your old boss, what would they say about you?
(She'd probably say that I missed deadlines and made poor decisions.)

4. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
That old chestnut! Hint: Married with children is not what they want to hear.

Finally the interrogation is over but you still have that awkward time while the interviewer shows you back to reception. What do you talk about? Suggestions please as I am yet to get beyond "Hmm, nice building." Lame.